January 2007 - Feelings

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feelings - January 2007

fork in the road..

January 30th 2007 23:47

I wont stop, I cant, I dont want to!
Why was I burdened with such a shit illness, what could I have possibly done thats so bad, that Im stuck with this?
One minute Im sitting there content with the world the next Im edgy as fuck aggrivated and going out of my head. Its like when its freezing cold and you cant catch a proper breath, your eyes flicker and feel as though theyre pinned open you cant blink! Your hearts going ballistic.
Laying down I stare and nothing, feeling nothing. I wish I could look at myself from the outside in and see what others are talkin about when they say they see a gorgeouse girl!

Im trapped in this and nothing seems to be working.
People are telling me Im not myself, its proving difficult to get VIZ back!
Im stuck halfway, Im in the fork in the road.
One sign says Anxiety Lane the other says Mia Parade!
WHERE IS NORMAL STREET?
Where's the secret alley way that leads me to a normal life? I cant see any way out of this!

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Wide awake and dreaming..

January 28th 2007 14:28

Feeling..

out of control both mentally and physically is a scary fucking thing! Thinking thoughts you shouldn’t be thinking picturing images you shouldn’t be seeing! Feeling as thought your body is about to take control of itself and do as it pleases, switch off the mind and run free.
Every time you move you feel as though there are bubbles in your veins giving you the tickling airy feel, that you’d feel while having a bubble bath the bubbles tickling your skin. Your bodies about to take off into flight..
Feeling the urge to laugh smile cry frown fidget an punch shit all at the same time, wanting to hide but be seen by the world. Time goes slow but not slow enough.

I lay on the floor with a blanket covering me from head to toe wrapped up tight my curtains draped shut my door locked. All I do to move is flick an elastic band on my wrist diverting all my attention to that pain don’t think about anything but that flicking! But it soon turns numb shit now I have to divert again. Too late!
I cant breath due to the volume of the music it feels like its suffocating me, the volume of the music makes my body shake and feel edgy, but the vibrations running along the floor into my chest make it impossible to feel how hard and fast my heart is hammering into my chest.
I cant breathe cant move but I want to I feel if i move even a little I'll do something silly. I cant stop thinking I want the traffic light in my head to malfunction and turn red for an hour 10 minutes at least would be relief!
I feel suffocated in this sound wave, turn off the music and breath easy but that would mean to suffer this hammering heart beat and feeling it is about to explode, just STOP!
Pinching my throat I’m going into attack mode I’ve lost control of my thinking and feeling I’m hyperventilating I’m dizzy.. the music stops!
Tears well in my eyes but they wont release My minds so shattered I pinch my arm to make sure I’m real it huts and makes me angry and frustrated.
On my way to get water my heart flutters and escalates once more I forgot about that.. I feel like I’m in a dream My conscious state feels as though its running into my dream state..
I cant remember if my dreams were something that really happened or if that something that happened was actually a dream?
Its scary water trickles down my lips and I shiver and bolt back to my room.. under the blanket.
The bubbles are back again. Only this time its joined with the sensation that I have a hole in my head and there is wind whistling through it.
I want to escape this place I not longer want to feel what its like not to feel. I want to feel again. be real again exist dream without evil think only of good times sit still without feeling like I’m about to ''fall over the edge''..
Walk the streets in a calm state.. just want to live be free from this shit that goes by the name of 'it'..
I don’t know what 'it' is besides a creation of my own mind, making me just realise now that I invented it, I can and WILL control it!
No more of these low times, I’m not going to fall through the gaps anymore.
Mia is guiding me..

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Giving in again..

January 27th 2007 14:25

How do you stop something that feels so right?
I cannot cope without Mia.
I don't know how I got myself in so deep, I don't know what has pushed me this far I don't know how to get out of it.
I wish I knew what’s brought these strong urges on. Its painful!
Right now this very minute I'm feeling so alone, yet crowded, I can't breath.
I want Mia back!
I want relief!
I want to run down the hall to my safe house where Mia is waiting!

I don’t want this IT shit to resurface its ugly head!
I don't like what it was like to suffer anxiety and panic attacks all day every day!
I don't like that I was too scared to go to the Milkybar, or ride the train 4 stops from my house!
I don't like that I used to go to bed hyperventilating that I would die in my sleep!
I don't like that I used to sit and watch a movie only to be bombarded with negative thoughts and a pulse going off the Richter!
I don't like that I had no control over my body!

I’m not going down that road again I have been anxiety free for too long, I’m not going to suffer that torment again!
I want to live a normal life without this IT shit lurking behind every corner, whispering in my ear that something awful will happen if I don’t tap something 4 times, that someone in my family will have a car crash if I don't rinse out my cup twice before I drink out of it!

I want everyday stresses other people get about bad hair days, no petrol money, a shitty job!
I don't want, need or DESERVE this IT shit! Ive suffered it since I was 4 it stops now!

I’m sticking with Mia, its not the easy way out its the only way out!
Its not an illness its a lifestyle! Its me!

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Mia Vs. IT

January 27th 2007 11:49

FEAR?
Giving up Mia..
LOVE?
[ Click here to read more ]

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Reverting to old ways..

January 25th 2007 05:28

some of you may have read this blog in my other blog sections, the reasoning as to why I’m reposting it is because the majority of the blogs I will write on fear love hate are about this and in reply to this entry!
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alone in a crowd of love

January 22nd 2007 23:27

I have the most supportive understanding, simply awesome family anyone could ask for.
I have the most precious Mother in the world, who is also my closest friend. Words could no come close to describing her, they would be an understatement.
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