Nothing really scares me anymore! I have decided I am in this for the long run!
I am not going to stop till some stranger on the street actually takes the time to walk up to me and say to me 'you are far too thin'. It's not like you even look at me now and go woah that chick has an eating disorder!
I walk down the street and feel people are looking at me going oh she could lose a few, or oh how out of proportion is that girl! Or just go wow filthy!
I just feel plain ugly all over! Mia will fix this!
Mia is my best friend, she is my support when shit gets hard. I can run to her when I need relief, when I need to withdraw the filth from within, when I need to be in control, when I feel like I am about to go over the edge!
All it takes is a few steep steps to the warm place she lingers and I release, becoming closer to my goal!
If I don't purge I won't be satisfied, I an't get through the day!
The thing is, I don't think I even really will stop! I haven't had a day where I wake up without feeling filthy for far too long! I get many compliments a day off those close to me and those who don't even know me, all positive, but it does not sinks in!
Nothing makes me want to stop. The chemist told me I am looking 'rakey' and I have lost beauty in my face. This was supposed to be constructive critism on her part, instead, it made me run back to Mia and try for perfection that little bit more! It made me go 3 days without eating anything solid! It made me feel I wasnt doing enough to achieve perfection! Fuck her!
I don't wanna wake up anymore and have days where I just lay there because I don't want to feel my body move! I don't want to have days where I scratch myself silly trying to rid the filth! I don't want to have days where I wake up and hate myself anymore! I don't wanna look in the mirror and cringe, I don't want to be in this body! I don't want this shit anymore!
I want to wake up and love choosing outfits for the day, I want to wake up and adore my figure, I want to wake up and enjoy food! I just want to wake up and be perfect!
Perfection is only a hallway away, not far to go!
I miss being a size 6! I will admit! I will not miss being this so called '9'!
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