March 2007 - Feelings

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feelings - March 2007

Plan..

March 26th 2007 13:18

My new plan began the other day.
What was it?
No more shit aka; no more food!
Fasting; only eating when I really needed to.
Banana smoothies are my new favorite meal of the day.
Yes the whole day.

One!
I don't like to follow plans, I don't like to diet. I just do what feels right, and what I seem to get results from. This being one of those things.
I haven’t been purging as much as usual, Mia has sunk into the shadows again. I guess other things, people; events have lifted my self esteem to a level I haven’t been on for a long time! And I feel somewhat okay about myself.
But I don’t like to rely on these people and certain events to help or make me feel good about myself. This is something I have to work on alone, in order to feel better about myself I first have to love myself. And accept myself.
I am over being this filthy chick. Time to get better results..
Ha! Long road ahead I say because I do not see it happening in the near future.
No, no not at all! Not any time soon.
So Mia and I it is for the time being, the only thing that relieves me and calms me when theres no-one around to hug and confide in.
Fuck, the things that go on in my head, what a hell of a ride!

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flaws!

March 22nd 2007 11:30

I don't want to hurt people anymore, but I cannot take all these flaws!
I don't fucking want them!
Fuck!
I hate the skin I am in I hate... me! But not all of myself! Just the parts you see... so the majority of myself!

Mia is draining! Very draining!
I am getting so frustrated because my anxiety levels have slightly risen, and I guess it is due to the fact Mia is off into the shadows again.
For the time being! So I have nothing to distract me! Time for her to come back out into the light and fuck off this 'IT' because I cannot deal with it! It's doing my head in!
I shouldn't even be writing about it because that makes it real, fuck this I am not going to sink to low depths and let this 'IT' crap walk all over me again!
Moving on...

102

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Thats how it feels

March 19th 2007 08:43

Where has Mz Viz been..?!

I haven't been home since Friday last week.
I can't really explain properly what is running through my head as I am scattered as fuck.
I haven't had my medication for 4 days now and I am going a ''little'' nutty..
It's like when your swimming, that lightness you feel, when you have spun around 10 times the dizziness you feel, when you slip and almost fall, you get that rush down your arms to your fingertips, it's like being afraid of heights and thinking your about to fall off a balcony, it's like when someone jumps out of nowhere and scares the shit out of you, it's like your about to just fade into darkness, like when someone is laying on top of you and you can't breath.
Like your just going to cave into yourself and shatter to pieces!!
That is how I currently feel. Well the best I can describe it anyhow!
I can't walk around because that’s how I feel every step I take, every movement my body makes! It’s so stressful to feel out of control of my body, and not even Mia can really fix it! I have tried but it didn’t accomplish anything but a sore throat and a stomach ache!

You’re probably wondering why the hell haven’t I taken my meds?
Simple! I ran out!
Fuck I can’t think about it anymore!

I’m not feeling too bad besides that! It’s been roughly 3 weeks since Mum went away! She is coming back this week I cannot fucking wait it has been too long since I saw her. Way too long!
I have missed her so much!
But I must say I am proud of how well I have done without her being around. How I handled my shit and kept it all together.
I haven’t spent this much time away from my Mother since I was around 13 so it’s a big thing!
I don’t know I can’t explain what it’s like being without my mum! It’s not that I am a Mummies girl, it’s just that I fucking cherish my Mum I adore her more than anything, I love her more than anything, I respect her more than anyone!
And I just miss having a hug and the unconditional love and warmth she gives!

Apologies for a shit post!
Besides the stuff about my Mum she fucking rocks!

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Love the skin your in.. ?

March 15th 2007 08:07

I fucking hate the skin I am in

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The only hands..

March 14th 2007 13:50

The Viz kid is in love good heavens above!
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Cant pretend anymore

March 13th 2007 13:25

I don't want to feel like a head case anymore I don't want to pretend everything is fine. Let me out of this room filled with doors that lead to no where, walls covered in mirrors that reflect the parts of me that I don’t want to see, speakers that sing hollowed distorted echoes of negative words that degrade me. Let me out of here, to escape myself! I can't handle having to deal with who I am! All I do is sit here and ponder on what is negative; to the point I believe nothing is positive! Because to me it isn't

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DK

March 11th 2007 06:55

It's scary!
I don't know where I belong, who I can rely on, who I can trust, who I can depend on when shit gets hard!
I've lost my comfort zone, I've lost faith in people, I feel like I am slowly losing myself

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ESS 4 VEE ..

March 9th 2007 14:25

S T R ! K E . 4 . V ! Z Z A
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Pain Is Beauty

March 7th 2007 13:18

Im fearing to a degree that I have gone to far? Pushed myself to hard to fast?
Hating the fact that what I am doing is bad for me but loving the results I get!
I don't know when or if I will ever be completely happy, no matter how much I shrink

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empty!

March 6th 2007 06:28

I cleaned out every trace of photos, letters, cards, gifts and clothing from people who I no longer want to associate with! And who no longer seem to want to associate with myself.
Feels fucking good!
I am still however shattered about my 'best mate' now just being an 'aquaintance/friendly person I know

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over it?

March 6th 2007 02:17

I woke up this morning feeling like shit, worse than what I usually do anyway!
I am back in Melbourne, relieved, but still miss my Mum so much!!
I am outside my body at the moment, trying to look in, to see what others supposedly see

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Tha hand.. [blog with a difference]

March 4th 2007 11:59

I wrote a blog not long ago about a handful of people I love adore cherish ect!
I no longer have my best friend I once did, and in a way its like learning to stand on your own two feet again. It feels pretty bad to be honest.
But who are the handful.. hmm.. you may be wondering

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title? unknown!

March 4th 2007 11:19

I have come to realise, that me and someone I loved dearly have drifted away, enough to no longer share the bond we once did.
And it really fucking shatters me. Someone who helped me through hard pasts and someone whos life I saved on 2 accounts! Someone I fucking cherished, someone I thought would be by my side never changing for the rest of my life. I can't describe how fucking alone I feel knowing this person is no longer 'that' person anymore!
Part of growing up? Who knows all I know is I am pretty burnt by it

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The angry side of viz

March 4th 2007 01:58

I am fucking fed up with everything!
Mostly my weight!
I binge, I regret it, I purge I feel better, I look in the mirror I want to purge again! I am disgusted

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