Do you ever feel indecisive? Crystal does.
October 31st 2007 21:16
The thinking toolbox
It's not that I have any trouble thinking, I'm really very good at that, otherwise I would not have the job I have and the qualifications that go with it, but when it comes down to a personal life I feel I am in the very early stages of getting it together and becoming socially more competent.
I have accepted that 30 is galloping up very rapidly and I am acutely aware that I do not want to stay single for much longer.
At the same time I don't want to rush into things and 'lose the woods for the trees' and this is really starting to bother me.
I wanted to give up work when I had children, this I had decided quite easily but where is the husband coming from and what should I do next?
I liked Steve but I realize that I need to find out just what he is about without frightening him half to death. Just how I should go about doing this was eluding me. It would be so easy to drift and I did not want to do that. I don't want to see me, six months down the track looking back and thinking 'how could I have thrown away six months so unwisely?"
Yes, I must pursue my hopes and dreams more vigorously. I had no trouble deciding that but I feel quite lost at the idea of what to do about it.
I felt quite sure there was not going to be any 'light globe moment' just simple persistence but how, when, where, with ?????????? these were all questions that remain unanswered.
I knew the 'why' well enough and maybe Dad was right when he said no-one would want me.
Having money, as I must admit I do have, does put extra expectations on a person.
The struggling artist or dreamy poet would not do me, oh no, not at all.
Actually I am discovering that I am decisive but at the end of the day that decisiveness is left floundering and what my next move should be was both vague and barely recognisable.
Would a woman in her late teens or early twenties, or one without any resources of her own be thinking the same way as I am. I doubted it. And the rest of the world really needed to discover its own solutions, but meanwhile I flounder with mine.
The light globe moment just isn't coming.
I realised if I were to have a happy marriage, if ever I got to that point, as I do not want to be a career woman, would require some personal skills that I just did not have.
Am I being too hard on myself? Do others have such difficulties or am I the only one feeling this way?
I did not want my life to 'ape' a man's as I could see happening all around me with the female's role being eroded more and more, despite women's lib and Germaine Greer, putting their own 'fix' on things.
I really am going through a degree of despair, having woken up rather late it seems.
I think I should go to some sort of group program where people work through these difficulties, meanwhile I would try to enrol in a course that would give me the 'very basics' of cooking and living skills but however I decided about those things, where was the MAN coming from? I had no idea.
I really hate feeling like this and I do fear that my destiny may be unfulfilled and that I am unattractive to men.
I would love to be feeling differently.
I wish I felt as happy as he!
How do you feel?
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