alone in a crowd of love
January 22nd 2007 23:27
I have the most supportive understanding, simply awesome family anyone could ask for.
I have the most precious Mother in the world, who is also my closest friend. Words could no come close to describing her, they would be an understatement.
These 2 groups, are both there for me whenever I need them as I am for them.
But, why do I feel so alone still?
Surrounded by love, loved, but still.. alone.
Its not them that is at fault as to why I feel this way, its just that I cant drop certain barriers and let them tred inside my walls. There is opening up and there is baring your soul. I open up to them but I cannot bare my soul.
Its not that I dont trust them, its my own fault. I just cant. Once I do Mia may leave me.
'Mia' is being greedy, maybe its her that consumes my time, not allowing me to feel the auras of others.
I wish I could let them in and see this part of me.
See why Im aching, why Im craving, why Im breaking, slowly fading. Why im putting myself through this both mentally and physically.
Why I need to escape to the bathroom, why I do this. I cant put into words why I just feel I have to, I want to I crave to I need to! I cant not!
I wish sometimes, that I could maybe introduce them properly to this illness, to 'Mia'.
I wish they could look at what I see, Hear what I think and touch what I feel.
Sometimes, I will admit, I don’t know myself. Sometimes I cant hear my own thoughts, feel a thing or see what I am doing, whether it is right nor wrong. And that is why I turn to Mia!
She's the easy way out, the worst yet best friend. Evil and Good combined.
When is enough.. enough!? The doctors have asked me, at first I accepted, TRUELY accepted their words, but their strength has now worn thin! Im back to where I was, in my comfort zone, I dont want to break out of it anytime soon. i wont!
Ill know when Im there, at that state of mind where I know I have gone far enough, not to far, just far enough. Ill feel it Ill see it. I wont have to search anymore as I will have found my true self, I am halfway there not far to go. I dont feel anything can stop me.
I have a goal and Im going to achieve it!
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