Crystal thinks Jim should help his mother: should children help their parents when they are older?
January 14th 2008 03:19
Run down cottage
Over the weekend Jim and I did some talking.
This is the way things seem to me at present.
I think Jim is wonderful, as you all know, but I have my reservations. I think he has achieved well with study and his high position in banking. He's bought his own place but takes very little interest in it. He's great fun to go out with but shows little initiative for planning and doing anything of a serious or thoughtful nature. He's quite happy to go along with everything I suggest but doesn't seem to come up with any ideas himself other than for outings, which he's very good at.
But I don't really take much comfort from the thought of doing all the worrying and family planning and organising the garden and the various other matters that come up from time to time. I know the fact that I've achieved myself and done things to my home and garden and even getting the cat took some planning and, of course, my family has various activities in which we all get involved, but there does not seem to be any of that for Jim.
Now that I have met Jim's mother I realize how difficult it must have been for her, and the best she seemed to be able to do was to encourage them all in their education and occupations and Jim appears to have been the brightest and the best paid. His own siblings are flat chat just making ends meet and managing their families, all the others have babies and/or small children and there is not much money to spare at the end of each week.
Meanwhile Jim's mother lives in her ramshackle old cottage which she managed to save through thick and thin but it is in sad need of repair and she obviously needs some help.
When I asked Jim about it he said he'd never thought much about it. That seems very slack to me.
I suggested his mother needed some help with repairs and with the money to pay for them.
This still fell on Jim's deaf ears.
So I put it to him quite bluntly that I thought his mother needed help and after all she's done for them she deserves it from her family of now grown children.
He made excuses for all the others which I have previously mentioned. So I asked him straight out why he didn't do anything and he just looked vaguely uncomfortable.
So, prodding him further, and he certainly needs prodding, I asked him why he didn't help and why he was so mean with his money, when he had plenty.
He said it was his money and he'd earned it and if he helped his mother all the others would ultimatley get the benefit.
I was just so shocked at his callous thoughts that I was speechless.
When I managed to recover, I said that he should arrange to lend her the money with a mortgage but not expect her to repay in her lifetime, ultimately he'd receive his money back.
"Why should I", was his miserable response, well one thing my family is not is mean and I was just totally shocked.
I have left the rest of my dealings with Jim's meanness towards his mother for another day but meanwhile I would like to know how all of you feel.
Should Jim help his mother, do you think he is mean?
Should grown children generally help their parents if they are able to do so later in life?
What do you think?
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Comment by Tracy
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Comment by Louie
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but as for him not thinking of things like outings etc, i spent a long time in banking and frankly you work so hard and have to focus so much at work, when you finnish it is really ard to acknowledge the world and all the intersting things to do. i think it si good for him that you take hm different places etc but dont judge him (not that you were) if he seems uninspired..when you get out of it you have to re-discover the world. i was alwyas lucky and had a partner who kept me honest.
good luck convincing him to help his mother.
Comment by Michaelie
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Comment by Krystal
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Raven a sound note of caution, but let’s not get divorced before I’m even engaged.
Louie, Jim is very imaginative when it comes to going places, but it’s his lack of concern for his mother that worries me. He has plenty of money so that is not the issue, thanks for the warnings about banking, but Jim never seems worried about his job or tired.
Michaelie, I’m glad you agree with them, but each seemed a little different, but all were for helping with family, where Jim seems so inconsiderate, but he has never known a father and that could cause him some problems. I’m sorry you think I am so different we all seem to agree about helping families and you seem to get along great with yours.
Comment by Michaelie
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Don't be sorry of differences - that's what makes it interesting. I mean our ideas about this may manifest themselves differently - as with Jim, but from where I stand, I know what I would do.
Probably as you say, because I have such a great relationship with my parents, and even if we weren't to get along now there is too strong a foundation between us for me to not be there if they needed me.
But it sounds like Jim grew up in very different circumstances and I suppose his upbringing and development of relationships would be very different.