How could I have been so dumb?
October 7th 2007 20:56
Dumbo - that's me
I did a lot of thinking yesterday about my night out and how slow I'd been to act. It all struck me as so ridiculous and I hated the fact that I had been so blind and I'd virtually let four years go by without having much of a life at all.
I did put a lot of effort into my job but I always made sure I left promptly at 5.00, I was aware that I did an awful lot of thinking about my work, in my own time, and I wasn't going to spend one second more than I had to, locked up in a prison, so to speak.
Tina Arena's song " I'm in chains" came to mind and I quite visibly shuddered.
Yes, too much of my energy had been put into a demanding job and as a result I had my little house and garden and a mortgage, but you know when you have a fast ride to executive level as I had, mortgages and credit cards become less daunting. I'd hate to mention how much I earn, it would make you gasp, but such rewards come at high cost and the cost to me had been not having a life.
I was developing a different perspective on everything now and you must think me quite a 'dumbo' and that's why I chose my opening picture.
My parents expected me to visit quite often as I had fallen into that pattern but when I went yesterday afternoon I told them I had decided to do some recreational activities every weekend and that I would not be able to visit so often. Dad thought this was a great idea but Mum looked rather crestfallen.
I went out into the yard to play with the dogs for a while as this was an activity I always enjoyed. The dogs liked it too but they were getting a bit older now and didn't run around quite so easily. That's their picture there at the end. You won't believe what unimaginative names we gave them when we acquired the two of them as puppies, yes, you know, we called them Blackie and Brownie, isn't that ridiculous? I hadn't thought about it much until now but putting their photo and names into this blog has made me realize how stupid some people (like us) can be. But we were happy and so were the dogs.
But I do ramble on and some people just hate that. What do you think about it? I know when people do it to me I feel like getting up and leaving. But I can never find the right words to stem the flow. I just make sure I'm going off in the other direction next time I see them. I hope I am not doing that to you. How silly we human beings often are. Still I suppose if we were wild animals we'd just have a fight with any other animal of our species that annoyed us.
My coping skills with relationships are not good and yet I do OK in the work place but so do a lot of others with even less and I mean VERY MUCH less in the way of such qualities than I have.
So you've heard some of my hates and loves, you know some of my fears. You know one of my big fears is that I won't be much good with babies. Often they just seem to me all cries, wees, poohs and gobbling it in one end to no sooner release if from the other. Perhaps I've got too many very young nephews and nieces.
But, at other times, I think how beautiful babies are, especially when they've passed that early stage and you can hold onto them a bit more securely without them dribbling and regurgitating milk all over you. I hate 'yucky' stuff. And I fear for the children I may have in the future and maybe that's what I've been running away from.
I'm going to have to get cracking now to get off to work and I still have to fill you in on my big night out. Well, maybe next time.
Blackie and Brownie
I'd really love to hear from you.
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Comment by katyzzz
Photography Tips
MS Paint Art
You sound as if you're really getting your act together socially.
Love the dogs.
katyzzz
Comment by Krystal
feelings
Crystal
Comment by JoH
In my experience, babies are hard to deal with when they are not your own. When yours comes along, some magical maternal instinct kicks in and you get the hang of it pretty quickly.
I am sure when the time is right, you'll make a great mum
Looking forward to hearing about your big night
JoH
Comment by Michaelie
Flick Wit
The thing that makes me panic about having kids is not so much the 'yucky stuff' but having to have a routine, not just doing things on impulse or staying up all night working then sleeping all day.
But things can change in a heartbeat. Not just circumstances but attitudes and ...feelings. You seem to be at some kind of turning point yourself right now.
Looking forward to getting more of a grasp on what you're up to.
Michaelie
Comment by Techno
Geeky Blog
Techno
Comment by Krystal
feelings
Thanks so much for your words of encouragement and for coming along to read my post.
Crystal
Comment by Krystal
feelings
I think my post seems a bit 'rambling' to you and I do 'ramble on' here, it's one of the few places I get a chance to.
You see I've never even had a boyfriend let alone a partner but I'm in my late twenties and it seems to have suddenly hit me that I don't look like I'll ever get married and have children if I don't overcome my social inhibitions. I seem like quite a child that way. I can't say I hate myself for that but I do feel sad and disappointed and I DO hate the way that leaves me feeling.
I started this blog, well, I don't really know why I started it, but I started it anyway and Jon said if I took over an older inactive blog that would set me on the right track with a domain and all. So I looked down the list of what he offered me and the only one that seemed in any way connected with me was the fearlovehate one, they are all very strong feelings and although my situation is nothing like the previous bloggers I do like to explore my own feelings and thought others might like to explore theirs.
Somehow, it wasn't long before I was talking about my social life. I do hope this fills you in a little more. I just love talking about feelings.
I love having visitors and was delighted to see so many, already.
Thank you so much.
Crystal.
Comment by Krystal
feelings
Crystal
Comment by Michaelie
Flick Wit
You seem very open and honest. Maybe being so open on your new blog will create a pathway to feeling more free in your everyday life?
You seem on the right track anyway.
Keep it up!
Michaelie
Comment by Krystal
feelings
It is lovely to see you back again.
Crystal