Cant pretend anymore
March 13th 2007 13:25
I don't want to feel like a head case anymore I don't want to pretend everything is fine. Let me out of this room filled with doors that lead to no where, walls covered in mirrors that reflect the parts of me that I don’t want to see, speakers that sing hollowed distorted echoes of negative words that degrade me. Let me out of here, to escape myself! I can't handle having to deal with who I am! All I do is sit here and ponder on what is negative; to the point I believe nothing is positive! Because to me it isn't!
I started to think too deeply about harsh shit from the past! Even though in some ways I have moved on in others I know I never will and that’s what fucking kills me. I got too worked up to the point I was going to lose it! No-one was around to depend on no-one came to mind to call, I am sick of being a burden. I wanted to rely on someone guilty free, that was Mia! The only thing that could relieve me! I got the familiar hot rush down my cheeks and neck I got the shakes my body was aching I felt dizzy I couldn’t breathe but she soothed all of that!
I experienced insecurities today with someone I am really close to, someone I shouldn’t experience them with! To feel insecure with this person in particular shows my issues are getting far too strong! And I am weak! I need Mia more than anything right now to take away this new feeling.
I need to start from the beginning I have neglected Mia for too long now, a week too long!
I am so fucking angry at myself how could I just stop what I was doing when I was doing so well? Getting good results! I took what I had with Mia for granted! I was convinced I didn’t need to purge anymore and that shit was right when Mia wasn't around! How wrong I was!
I am going to run back to my safe house, Ill re phrase that, I HAVE run back to the safe house! I gave in; no I took back my control!
I knew I would regret detaching away from her, I knew I would suffer fucked up consequences and just gain gain gain! I can't tolerate it I need to be back to how I was a few months ago! I need Mia sitting on my shoulder egging me on pushing me through the hard times reassuring me that shit will be right again!
The minute I gave Mia away and pushed her out of my life everything spiraled out of my control again! Shit went down hill, which only proves that when Mia is in my life, when she is my direct support, everything just falls into place how it should!
I am never leaving her again, no chance, I couldn’t handle that shit again!
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