Crystal wonders about the 'fear of commitment' What are your views?
February 4th 2008 10:54
How quickly the weekends go by now that I have Jim. What a long way I've come in such a short while.
Jim wants to get a dog the same as I do, but would it be my dog, his dog or our dog? It would live here.
I'd love a dog but feel if I buy one and it lives here it would be my dog.
Tinkerbelle is such a delight except when I'm blogging I feel getting a dog can wait. I'm having too much fun with Jim at present to take on any more responsibilities.
Work is going well and since I stood up for myself with 'face ache" I'm left fairly much to my own devices.
We have our dramas but mostly they are a lot of hot air, I do my work on time and if others don't deliver on time because of their own deficiencies I am not going to pick up the slack for them. If they don't deliver on time the work just does not get done and I have no intention of deviating from that course and I have spent some time and effort advertising the fact.
So now I concentrate just on Jim and me and getting to know each other a bit better. Since we had our 'talkfest' Jim has opened up a lot and no longer seems so obsessed with his music.
We had a family weekend, Mum is always having a party for some member of the family to make up for them not being able to do these things for themselves. But she's full of excuses for them and says how hard it is nowadays for everone to manage.
There are such things as small celebrations but mum likes to do things in style. Dad always looks pleased with himself on such occasions too. But, in his words, he leaves all that sort of thing to 'your mother' bit of a cop out isn't it?
We went over to see Jim's mother and as the fence is nigh on finished she's starting to get excited about getting her dog. Jim says he hasn't seen her looking so happy for years and is talking about having the grandchildren over more often. I suspect she's been feeling depressed for some time now but never thought there was anything she could do about it.
I'm really looking forward to next weekend which Jim and I are planning to have just for ourselves.
I'm thinking about starting a vegetable garden as I think home grown vegetables are much better than anything one can get in the shops.
I can't say I have too many fears about the future but I know a lot of people do especially when it comes to relationships and marriage. Too many relationships end up busting up some after a very short time indeed.
I wonder what you think about these things and if you have a fear of commitment.
Do you have strong feelings about such issues? I feel very sure I shall get a mixed bag of responses with all too many saying they just don't want to get married but somehow I feel that females especially would really love to be married they just won't admit it or have got themselves into relationships which they hope will be permanent but which in fact are very tenuous to say the least. So what are your fears about such things?
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Comment by Michaelie
Flick Wit
I don't fear love, or partnership - and to me, they have very little to do with marriage. They are what they are. Marriage is just a social construction, a ritual of legitimisation. I may or may not marry. It will depend on if I want an excuse for a huge party. But being wed will not give me anything I don't already have, and if it did, I would be worried.
What I fear is losing my space, my independence, being pushed into being one half of something. So I will not make choices that put me in that position.
Disbelieve me if you will Crystal! I believe you really want what you say you want - I just don't understand it.
If someone says they want a husband, it seems the same to me as saying they want to digest chocolate. Don't you just want the chocolate itself? Don't you want to taste it? The digesting comes after - that's the process if you decide to eat it. It just seems to me, that if you are searching everywhere for the perfect chocolate, so you can scoff it down, you are missing the whole point. You're not wanting it for all the other sensory experiences it offers in its own right, just as it is.
I know from one of your other posts that you think love is irrevocably, by it's very definition, linked with marriage, but I think love has many forms, and is not determined by convention.
Christ! Ok, end of saga.
Michaelie
Comment by Sven Topp
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Your debate with yourself about getting a dog seems pointless except to say :When we break up....".
Marriage is not a requirement for a relationship to last and the concept behind marriage has changed over the years. It's less about signifying a journey into the unknown these days so much as it signifies "We've been here for 10 years or so and we've done alright so let's make it official".
I have no qualms about getting married if and when that comes. For the moment I don't think it's necessary to reinforce our commitment with a ring on our finger.
Comment by Louie
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As for commitments, it is a catch-22, when you are in love it doesn't feel like a commtment because all you want to do is spend all your time with the other person anyhow, forever doesnt seem like long enough to be together. That is why they say, when you know they know i guess.....
anyhow, the move is over
phew.....
Comment by AmyHuang
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Michaelie that is exactly my fear, and even now I am in a very serious relationship, I still fear it. I get all worried that I am going to turn into those women that just can't do anything else after they have kids, and it scares me to think about the future because it might just happen! Of course, nothing of such will happen voluntarily, it'll be forced upon and mostly will be self-demanded, socially expected kind of thing.
Yikes.
So, yes Crystal, I do have a fear of commitment, but I do show it so my partner knows what to expect.
Comment by Michaelie
Flick Wit
Comment by Krystal
feelings
It is not for me to say what others want but I do see a lot of females making huge mistakes and ending up with nothing but a lot of heartbreak and yes I am not so silly that I don't realise that can happen in marriage too.
The thing is I KNOW what I want and that is marriage and a family as I think this is the best way to handle things, social construct or not.
Most females I know do want to get married, your experience may be otherwise, I guess we'll have to differ and is understanding necessary?, if you don't understand something just let it go, no-one is suggesting that YOU shoul get married, least of all me.
We are different people and it's different strokes for different folks. So be it.
I still welcome your visits and your comments and I am sorry if what I say riles you, this just can't be helped.
Glad to hear you have lush eyelashes as well as that pretty mouth, no wonder you are so confident, maybe that way you are one of the lucky ones.
Comment by Michaelie
Flick Wit
I was just debating your topic from my point of view, this line in particular:
There is a certain tone to your posts which brings it out in me, and since I rarely agree with your approach to things I either leave a joking mostly-unrelated comment or I give you my opinion... but I will leave inane comments if you wish.
Ah, just have a bit of fun with it!
Michaelie
Comment by Krystal
feelings
I think with a baby in your arms you need to reinforce it with something.
I wasn’t actually asking your advice, I was asking generally if people have a fear of commitment. It seems like you don’t but it doesn’t sound to me that you feel committed even though you have a baby.
Louie, really pleased the move is over, I understand entirely how you feel, moving is the pits. It takes ages to get things sorted out. Glad that you’re not all riled up over a simple question, love does tend to confuse issues, not clarify them. Maybe we should be looking at love as a fantasy.
Amy, a sensible reply, without the either/or requirement. Keep talking, I’m sure you’re doing great.
I think if a lot more people thought about the situations they are getting themselves into there would be fewer problems instead of just letting things happen.
It seems my mother and father’s generation had a loss less problems than people now have, despite their self declared liberation.
I have a very dull topic coming up next, hopefully it will not raise so much angst.
Methinks they doth protest too much as the old bard would say.