Where has 'Mia' gone?
February 18th 2007 13:15
You may have noticed I haven't mentioned much about Mia as of late in my most recent blogs.
Mia is still here, she still dwells in my shadow, she still follows me everywhere I go making sure I am still doing as I please.
I still want Mia in my life, I still have this 'illness', and I still don't see myself stopping any time soon! To purge is to release all the evil from within my temple! To cleanse my soul and to aleviate pain with pain, to show I am real!
More than anything, right now, this day this hour this minute, this whole week every second of it I have felt disgusting! I have gone today alone, without throwing up!
Today is an accomplishment, in others eyes. But in mine it is failure. For a whole 24 hours I kept my food down, its a first for me in a long while. And a last, I hear Mia whisper in my ear.
As right now this very minute I want to give in, and I know that I will!
I already have by just deciding that, and the calmness that is sweeping over my body right now, is a relief, a blessing!
Though it still isnt enough, I have gone 24 long and painful hours without 'giving into mia' and I must make up for it, fasting is the only way I can think of how. Its like I can find calories in water, it trips me out the shit that I can get in my mind about food or things my body 'may' absorb that will cause me to fluctuate in weight! I'd rather fluctuate below, I couldnt handle puttin on even a kilo it would destroy me, 5 more off and I will be content. But I couldnt say how long for.
This is the beautiful [yes beautiful] relief I get from Mia in my life.
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