Retire!
February 25th 2007 13:19
I wish I could retire from the voice inside my head that never seems to die!
I try to think how far I have come, and that somehow some day things will change and it won't always be the same! But I can't see the day where shit will just feel right! Can't see the day where fears and emptiness with just fade!
I just want to wake up and have everything fall into place!
I have to find the strength some way to knock down these fuckin baracaded walls!
I feel trapped inside this little world of fucking negativeness! Where not a day passes that I do not think of self harm. My self harm being my Bulimia, Mia!
I need it to get by, I can't go a day without having Mia by my side, she greets me with instant relief, calm, zero anxiety! Even if it is only for a little while! Until the next urge barrels along!
Once I have acheived my goal, gotten to the place I want to be, reached the size I want to wear and look the way I want to look I will have the energy to knock down this fucking tower of dirty feelings!
Live my life freely! Wake up without thinking about how filthy I am and adoring myself instead!
| 57 |
| Vote |
Subscribe to this blog
Comment by David
I've never found your brutal honesty and openness filthy at all ... Ever ...
I'll adore it for you ... even if you won't ...
I've lived in 'black holes' myself ... And they can last for years ... There's a spiritual malady called 'Scruples' ... and it's as tortorous as bulimia and anorexia put together ... (and multiplied ten-fold) ... It's paralysing and crippling ... It leaves a person inert ... totally incapable of making a decision in life about anything ... totally incapable of taking anyone else's advice about anything ... And it always affects strong-willed people ... (which generally compounds the problem itself) ... And there's only one cure for it ... A spiritual guide who recognises that is the problem, and has a stronger (or equal) will than the person suffering from Scruples, who has the courage to be bold and audacious with the said person ... And be a relentless pursuer of this person ... and never give up ... And the patience to listen to them (even though the guide knows what the person is going to say most of the time ... as in, repeat the same things over and over again like 'No-one understands what this is like' ... The guide? If he's good? ... He'll gradually convince the person he understands fully what this malady is all about ... (call it a revelation or an epiphany for the suffering soul if you like) ... And once the guide realises that the person finally realises that someone else does understand? Then, he siezes the moment and strikes ... and just says to them, 'Despise scruples. Do what I tell you to do and they'll disappear ... ' And if the timing is right? They do ... And what is the guide's advice? .... It's usually to do the opposite of what is fearful to the scrupluous soul ... As in, go against everything he/she has ever believed in ... And that's when enlightenment begins ... That's when the soul climbs out of the 'dark hole' ... or 'The Dark Night of the Soul' ... And this takes extreme courage ... (which I'm sure you have ... because courage walks hand-in-hand with honesty ...
The scrupulous soul has to say 'No' to scruples ... The bulimic soul has to say 'No' to starvation ...
That's my rave for the night ... If I don't stop now ... this comment will blow out to ten pages ... with 1000 references ...
David ...