so sick of it
February 10th 2007 13:46
so sick of this body.. control is not enough.. no reason is good enough to give up! fuck/love you mia!
I hate her because she puts me through pain..
I love her because she gives me relief..
I hate her because she is killing those around me..
I love her because she gives me control..
I can't let anyone into help me through this, I wont allow it.
I hate that people are sitting watching on the side lines waiting for me to run out of breathe and forfit but I cant see myself doing it, not anytime soon!
I wish no-one knew I wish I had never said shit its unneccessary stress for everyone it's my battle I don't want others to suffer. But now that its known it's harder to deal!
YES I see what I am doing is wrong, YES I know that it is bad, YES I know it can kill me, YES I know I can end up brain damaged and/or have heart failure, YES I know I have done irreversibe damage!
I KNOW THE FACTS!
I have seen photos I have watched videos I have cried seeing the hurt Mia and Ana sufferers family and friends go through, cos I see MY mum, and MY friends suffering!
And its scary that THAT alone is not enough to make me stop, not even for a day!
When will I have had enough, just a few more trips to that warm place that Mia lingers and I will have perfection. I cant see anything but perfection if I follow that warmth!
I was afraid the other day, I thought I had gone too far, no-one was home and I was choking I thought I was going to die in the shower, that was enough to stop me for a day or so, but then I was fine again. Ready to continue my path to perfection.
I hate this, I will admit, this is no longer me being in control, this is no longer a sense of releif, it is an addiction. Something I need to do to get through a day, or week!
I hate her because she puts me through pain..
I love her because she gives me relief..
I hate her because she is killing those around me..
I love her because she gives me control..
I can't let anyone into help me through this, I wont allow it.
I hate that people are sitting watching on the side lines waiting for me to run out of breathe and forfit but I cant see myself doing it, not anytime soon!
I wish no-one knew I wish I had never said shit its unneccessary stress for everyone it's my battle I don't want others to suffer. But now that its known it's harder to deal!
YES I see what I am doing is wrong, YES I know that it is bad, YES I know it can kill me, YES I know I can end up brain damaged and/or have heart failure, YES I know I have done irreversibe damage!
I KNOW THE FACTS!
I have seen photos I have watched videos I have cried seeing the hurt Mia and Ana sufferers family and friends go through, cos I see MY mum, and MY friends suffering!
And its scary that THAT alone is not enough to make me stop, not even for a day!
When will I have had enough, just a few more trips to that warm place that Mia lingers and I will have perfection. I cant see anything but perfection if I follow that warmth!
I was afraid the other day, I thought I had gone too far, no-one was home and I was choking I thought I was going to die in the shower, that was enough to stop me for a day or so, but then I was fine again. Ready to continue my path to perfection.
I hate this, I will admit, this is no longer me being in control, this is no longer a sense of releif, it is an addiction. Something I need to do to get through a day, or week!
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Comment by Anonymous