Welcome
January 22nd 2007 08:15
You may have read previous blogs of mine, if so you know what to expect if not you may be instore for some pretty indepth thinking. And alot of randomness!
I write for myself no-one else and I hope you get some insight, entertainment or enjoyment out of what I have to write.
All I will add that everything I input into these blogs is my real life and the real me, nothing is made up nor fairytale.
So here goes:
My current overall feeling is fucked!
To other people my current situation maybe just another everyday thing to them, but to me its a stress on my mind I will think about and conjure crazy ideas about up until the last minute. Until when my 'last resort thinking' kicks in and I make a possible unwanted decision. Which usually happens, I regret my choice.
So the situation you may be wonderin about. Here it is.
I live with my Mother Step Father and Brother. I suffer severe Anxiety and Panic Disorder which I control quite greatly. Though when my Mother goes away I tend to be more on edge and lost than when I am when she is around, the Illness is invisible when her presence is within a 1 hour radius of mine. Because I know I can call on her when shit gets out of hand. She says 3 reassuring words and I am fine, yet no-one else can say them and make me feel the way she does, bizzare!
My mum is going away tomorrow or the next day and I will be left in Melbourne alone with my step dad and brother whome I cant depend on incase fear bops out its ugly head!
Why? Because they dont understand my condiition they dont understand that i think I am about to drop dead have a heart attack stop breathing or do something insanely stupid. And I am not blaming them for this, I just dont feel reassured around them if I am to have one.
So I have the choice to go with my Mother which is atleast a 3-4 hour journey out of Melbourne or I can stay at home sitting around dwelling on the fact I may lose the plot at any minute!
This may not seem like a big issue to anyone else but it is to me, I can handle any shit but not when it comes to my Anxiety issues. No-one reading this I guess will understand the feeling you get when you suffer one unless going through it themselves.
So when it comes to it im thinking its about time I kicked this anxiety in the ass and stayed home and fought it! I have to stop relying on my Mum to make me feel better not that I do very often I might add, and stare fear in the face and fight it! Its just difficult when I think how scary these things are when they happen! Lasting between 5 minutes to 2 hours!!
This feels like such a pointless first blog on my fear love hate page! Im not happy with it.
Stay tuned I may have a spaz attack later and add some completely corrupt bullshit!
V!Z
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Comment by David
Can you do me a favour and increase the size of your font ... ?
Then I can read it and make a comment without having to cut and paste it into MS Word (not MS Paint) ....
I'll still do it for this post ... but can you please increase your font size ??? There's old men out here in virtual land without the best eyesight ...
David ... ...
Comment by spain01
Juan Carlos
spain again
While your'e about it
Viva l'difference
Fire News Blog
Cities dying of thirst.
Comment by vizza
LONG TIME SINCE I POSTED
'MIA' was my best friend..
Fear Love Hate Discussion
Comment by anjOoL
il talk to u on msn lol
Natali
Comment by spain01
Juan Carlos
spain again
While your'e about it
Viva l'difference
Fire News Blog
Cities dying of thirst.
Comment by Anonymous
ALso you seem to have a family that love and support you in every way and dont like seeing you fade away. I understand its an illness, but there is help out there. Just let people help you. If you dont stop this you WILL have a heart attack, not only that, your body will just shut down, your teeth and gums will end up diseased, and your skin will lose its life. Take it from someone who knows. I feel for you, but it sounds like you want help, and if thats the case, go and get it.