Wide awake and dreaming..
January 28th 2007 14:28
Feeling..
out of control both mentally and physically is a scary fucking thing! Thinking thoughts you shouldn’t be thinking picturing images you shouldn’t be seeing! Feeling as thought your body is about to take control of itself and do as it pleases, switch off the mind and run free.
Every time you move you feel as though there are bubbles in your veins giving you the tickling airy feel, that you’d feel while having a bubble bath the bubbles tickling your skin. Your bodies about to take off into flight..
Feeling the urge to laugh smile cry frown fidget an punch shit all at the same time, wanting to hide but be seen by the world. Time goes slow but not slow enough.
I lay on the floor with a blanket covering me from head to toe wrapped up tight my curtains draped shut my door locked. All I do to move is flick an elastic band on my wrist diverting all my attention to that pain don’t think about anything but that flicking! But it soon turns numb shit now I have to divert again. Too late!
I cant breath due to the volume of the music it feels like its suffocating me, the volume of the music makes my body shake and feel edgy, but the vibrations running along the floor into my chest make it impossible to feel how hard and fast my heart is hammering into my chest.
I cant breathe cant move but I want to I feel if i move even a little I'll do something silly. I cant stop thinking I want the traffic light in my head to malfunction and turn red for an hour 10 minutes at least would be relief!
I feel suffocated in this sound wave, turn off the music and breath easy but that would mean to suffer this hammering heart beat and feeling it is about to explode, just STOP!
Pinching my throat I’m going into attack mode I’ve lost control of my thinking and feeling I’m hyperventilating I’m dizzy.. the music stops!
Tears well in my eyes but they wont release My minds so shattered I pinch my arm to make sure I’m real it huts and makes me angry and frustrated.
On my way to get water my heart flutters and escalates once more I forgot about that.. I feel like I’m in a dream My conscious state feels as though its running into my dream state..
I cant remember if my dreams were something that really happened or if that something that happened was actually a dream?
Its scary water trickles down my lips and I shiver and bolt back to my room.. under the blanket.
The bubbles are back again. Only this time its joined with the sensation that I have a hole in my head and there is wind whistling through it.
I want to escape this place I not longer want to feel what its like not to feel. I want to feel again. be real again exist dream without evil think only of good times sit still without feeling like I’m about to ''fall over the edge''..
Walk the streets in a calm state.. just want to live be free from this shit that goes by the name of 'it'..
I don’t know what 'it' is besides a creation of my own mind, making me just realise now that I invented it, I can and WILL control it!
No more of these low times, I’m not going to fall through the gaps anymore.
Mia is guiding me..
out of control both mentally and physically is a scary fucking thing! Thinking thoughts you shouldn’t be thinking picturing images you shouldn’t be seeing! Feeling as thought your body is about to take control of itself and do as it pleases, switch off the mind and run free.
Every time you move you feel as though there are bubbles in your veins giving you the tickling airy feel, that you’d feel while having a bubble bath the bubbles tickling your skin. Your bodies about to take off into flight..
Feeling the urge to laugh smile cry frown fidget an punch shit all at the same time, wanting to hide but be seen by the world. Time goes slow but not slow enough.
I cant breath due to the volume of the music it feels like its suffocating me, the volume of the music makes my body shake and feel edgy, but the vibrations running along the floor into my chest make it impossible to feel how hard and fast my heart is hammering into my chest.
I cant breathe cant move but I want to I feel if i move even a little I'll do something silly. I cant stop thinking I want the traffic light in my head to malfunction and turn red for an hour 10 minutes at least would be relief!
I feel suffocated in this sound wave, turn off the music and breath easy but that would mean to suffer this hammering heart beat and feeling it is about to explode, just STOP!
Pinching my throat I’m going into attack mode I’ve lost control of my thinking and feeling I’m hyperventilating I’m dizzy.. the music stops!
On my way to get water my heart flutters and escalates once more I forgot about that.. I feel like I’m in a dream My conscious state feels as though its running into my dream state..
I cant remember if my dreams were something that really happened or if that something that happened was actually a dream?
Its scary water trickles down my lips and I shiver and bolt back to my room.. under the blanket.
The bubbles are back again. Only this time its joined with the sensation that I have a hole in my head and there is wind whistling through it.
I want to escape this place I not longer want to feel what its like not to feel. I want to feel again. be real again exist dream without evil think only of good times sit still without feeling like I’m about to ''fall over the edge''..
Walk the streets in a calm state.. just want to live be free from this shit that goes by the name of 'it'..
I don’t know what 'it' is besides a creation of my own mind, making me just realise now that I invented it, I can and WILL control it!
No more of these low times, I’m not going to fall through the gaps anymore.
Mia is guiding me..
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