Reverting to old ways..
January 25th 2007 05:28
some of you may have read this blog in my other blog sections, the reasoning as to why I’m reposting it is because the majority of the blogs I will write on fear love hate are about this and in reply to this entry!
Fighting to be thin is something both men and women battle daily, not all but a large majority, an illness I myself battled not so long ago, an illness that is reoccurring too frequently in my mind as of late.
Battling bulimia is not just about being thin it is to me being in control of something, especially when other things in my life seem to be far from in control! My control that is!
Though I am told frequently by family and friends that I am thin I don’t see it, its something I wish I didn’t have to deal with, people seem to look at me in a different light when they learn of this illness I’m stuck with. They say how can you not see you are thin you are beautiful, just stop and understand it.. Its easier said than done it is stuck in my mind, something I know I will be battling for the rest of my life. I have not yet reverted back to old ways but the temptation is there, its such relief to hear that familiar growling and to feel that tumbling feeling in my tummy.
I have awful little habits I cant let go of. I will only drink sealed water or eat food in a sealed packet, Once opened and closed I wont open it again because my mind tells me someone has sneakily put something into it!
I was going through old mia journals I had, and the feelings I had from the start of those journals are the same as I am beginning to feel now. I am trying to work out what is making these thoughts reoccur more stronger than they usually are. Something that happened back then must have or may have happened again, or something similar of that, to make me think this way again. But I cant understand what it was.. unless it was due to coming out of a long term relationship, that which I am over, and moved on from, so could it be it?
I am already finding myself subconsciously skipping meals, that is the start, I will never stick my fingers down my throat, that pain I don’t want to feel again. I have strength in that sense I guess that is one positive thing.
I am not writing this blog for attention or sympathy I’m writing it to let it be known that this is a part of me you may get to know. By reading my blogs people will get to know me in a sense, and this is just something else about me.
No-one can change how I feel about myself nor convince me what I’m doing is wrong or right, all I ask of those I know is support and to not judge nor treat me any other way that I would treat them in the same situation.
This is who I am, and others are whom they are.
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